As we approach the one-year mark of losing our daughter, Amelia Molloy Antongiovanni, I am overwhelmed with tons of different emotions. It’s hard to sometimes discuss or bring up these feelings because Amelia was never Earth bound. People never got to meet her, never got to hold her, never got to build that bond with her, and never got to see who see looked like or whose personality she had. To some she is just a thought but to Michael and me, she’s our daughter and we love her so very much.
Today, I caught myself walking around looking at infant Halloween costumes and wondering what we would have dressed Amelia up as. I always wonder what her first Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas would have looked like. In that moment I realized that all these thoughts will always be just thoughts. There will never be a first birthday party, a first Mother’s Day, a first Father’s Day, a first trick or treating, a first Thanksgiving, a first Christmas, a first New Year’s Eve, or a first of so many other milestones.
My heart started aching and I felt so sad. Not our everyday living without our daughter type of sad but a sadness because I felt like I have been robbed of so many memories and a love that Michael and I have dreamed about for so long. In the midst of my sadness and anger, I stopped and just prayed. I prayed to God to help me understand the why. I prayed to God to help guide me through this anger and sadness. I prayed for the strength to continue using the loss of our daughter for something so much more!
In the midst of infertility and a pregnancy loss, I know firsthand the whirlwind of emotions that overwhelm you. You as a person are forever changed. There are times of happiness, sadness, anger, numbness, confusion, depression, anxiousness, being scared, and so many other emotions. I feel as though it’s so important for others to understand that they are not alone in these feelings and it’s okay to feel your feelings. It’s okay to just take it day by day but know that God is there to lean on and help you get through all those feelings. I honestly don’t believe I would be standing and doing what I am doing if it wasn’t for my husband Michael and the love of God.
I knew that I could stay in a state of anger and let it take over my life, or I could use my experience and grief to help create something for others who have been through the same struggle. I am a doer, that’s just my personality, so I chose to help others in our daughter’s name. BEST DECISION I’VE EVER MADE!!!
I pray every day that another person struggling with infertility feels less alone, has more hope in a future family, and finds the love of Jesus through what we are doing here at Amelia Molloy’s Angels. I don’t know if I will ever truly understand the why in us losing Amelia, but I do know that every day I see Jesus’s love through the work I’m doing. I feel so lucky and blessed that I was able to start the organization, and I will forever be grateful for it.
I miss and think about Amelia every single day and even though she isn’t with us here on Earth, I know she’s sitting with Michael and I’s grandparents up in Heaven watching over us. Every ounce of my being knows that she’s proud that Michael and I are her parents.
Amelia Molloy, we cannot wait to finally hold and love on you for eternity when the time comes! You will always be our reason for what we are doing. We love you baby girl.