Loss…this refers to so much I have experienced in the last few years and especially most recently. I feel there are many ways one will experience this said loss. Those that know me, are familiar that I’m a very open and transparent person. Which is why this part of my life that I haven’t shared is unlike me. Mostly because of the constant physical, emotional and mental pain endured from it. However, I feel it is time to open up about this subject and not be afraid to share anymore for many reasons. First and foremost, because there are so many of us struggling with infertility behind closed doors (1 in 4 recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage) and I need you to know you are not alone nor do you have to be, we need to be here for each other. Especially because many times we feel alone, defeated, ashamed, broken hearted, afraid, and embarrassed. Not to mention each time we speak about our experiences we relive the trauma. To my family whom are not aware, please know I wanted to tell you all but having experienced this 3 times in 2 years, I hope you will understand that I was not ready to emotionally relive each loss by going into detail and talking about it. Or the fear of announcing knowing it may happen again, after getting so close to approaching that second trimester. Not to mention the emotional roller coaster from hormone fluctuation while trying to put on a happy face and moving on with day to day life. Women are amazingly resilient and strong beings. So here is my story and now I’m in a stronger place where I can help those struggling behind closed doors too. I never knew if I could get pregnant until our first one and not a thought crossed my mind about the risk of miscarriage. We had quickly started plans for our nursery, arranged an announcement photography session and it was the happiest time of our lives until it came crashing down. No heartbeat at 8 weeks, no worries I was told, they likely miscalculated or you conceived later. The next few weeks were the hardest of my life. It was a waiting game only to find out there were no fetal heart tones to be detected over again. As if this wasn’t hard enough, I had to continue to go in for weekly ultrasounds and try to stay optimistic. Unfortunately, after week 11 confirming no viability, the last ultrasound was scheduled to reconfirm this, prior to an urgent D&C that was required. But as my husband and I walked into this appointment our tech was busy and must not have read our chart. To our surprise she stated “this is so exciting, the baby will be so visible today and with a strong heartbeat”. I instantly fell to my knees in tears. As I thought maybe there had been some type of mistake but as a medical provider I knew that would be impossible. But maybe all our prayers were answered?!? Sadly, after the tech saw my reaction she quickly pulled up the chart and apologized for her mistake. I will never forget that day and I don’t think she will either. As having been in the medical field for 17 years I know we are human and will make error from time to time. I walked away so traumatized. Unfortunately, we experienced two more similar pregnancies with the devastating same outcomes. I want to thank the amazing team of doctors, techs, nurses and hospital staff for their compassion. Especially that OR nurse who wiped my tears away and compassionately held my hand right before I received anesthesia and whispered to me “you are loved, you are strong, you are protected and I will be right here by your side when you wake up hunny”. She kept her promise and I will never forget that. So I end this by simply asking to be kind, we do not know what others are enduring. Their recent weight gain or emotional fluctuation may be because of the extensive hormonal treatment there have gone or going through. Please Never assume and be careful with your words. Every time we hear “don’t you want kids? You guys would be amazing parents, you know time is not on your side, you better get started before it’s too late, maybe you can’t get pregnant from the stress?!?” Those comments are like daggers in our already broken hearts So, this is our story, our journey and I believe things happen for a reason. During our last very recent pregnancy on
Nov 12th
, I had an amazing philanthropic group named Amelia Molly’s angels reach out to me to inform me of the nonprofit organization they have created in support of women and families struggling in Kern county with infertility and loss. This was my last sign that I eventually needed to speak out, as I didn’t dare tell her I was currently pregnant but disclosed my previous losses and would be happy to help out with a donation basket for their gala and start spreading awareness about their much needed organization in our community. Unfortunately, shortly after she reached out, we were informed of our 3rd baby had gained their wings too. I can’t thank those who knew and took care of me from near and far and my friend who dedicated such a heart touching plaque in the memory of the Tougas-Genova babies on the memorial wall of the unborn. Those that have experienced this type of loss, I highly recommend you visit this memorial site. It has been therapeutic and made me even more aware that there are so so very many of us and we are here if needed