The Wish

by Cara Nicoletti

My name is Cara and I am a 59 year old adoptee and this is my amazing journey of adoption that I would like to share with you in hopes to encourage anyone considering the process. Mine is a story with a happy ending!

During the 1960’s there weren’t many options for parents who struggled with conceiving a child. My mom was a teacher at the time, and my dad was a school custodian in a small rural farming community in Northern California. The two choices my parents had were private adoption which was more expensive or going through an agency. Their family physician was the person who initially put them in contact with the Children’s Home Society in Chico, Ca. after they chose to go through an agency which was more affordable for them.
At the time, my mom and dad were considered older parents when they adopted me. My mom was 26 and my dad was 28. It was a very stressful process as my parents had to go through scheduled and “surprise” home visits by CHS. However, according to my parents, the lady who they worked with was a kind woman who guided them through. The agency tried as best as they could to “match” my adoptive parents to the potential adoptive child’s physical characteristics based on the birth parents’ information given during the intake that began the adoption process. My birth mom did not make contact with the agency until three weeks before my birth. Once my parents passed the interviews and all paperwork was completed, they patiently waited for “the call” that they had a baby for them to adopt! On September 13, 1963, my birth mother signed relinquishment documents which allowed me to be placed for adoption. My parents got a call in October of 1963 that they had a baby ! My actual birthdate is August 26, 1963, however, I remained in the care of CHS until October 1963. During those 2 months prior to my adoption, I lived in foster care provided by Children’s Home Society. I could tell by the records I requested from CHS in 2014 that I was given wonderful nurturing care during this time. My foster mom stated that I was “definitely smiling despite my young age and that I had deep blue eyes that seemed to sparkle when I smiled.” She even noted the dimple I have on my right cheek!
On October 8, 1963 I met my adoptive mom and dad for the first time! My dad up until his death would always tell the story that when they first placed me in my adoptive mother’s arms she cried with joy! According to the Non Identifying Report I received from CHS this was also documented in their information. I know from the moment I became “theirs” I was loved beyond measure. They named me Cara which means “dear,” or Cara Mia “Dear One.” I want to also acknowledge that my birth mother loved me as well. According to the Non Identifying information from 2014, she had requested photos of me in Oct. 1963 and in January and September of 1964. She inquired during those photo requests about my well being and care and had concern for my future. She also requested information about my adoptive family.

An interesting requirement in adopting in the 1960’s was that the adoptive mother was not allowed to work outside the home or have a job. My mom had just started teaching middle school English and had to quit her job once they had me! The agency wanted the adoptive mom to have her full focus on raising her baby. The entire adoption process takes two years and during this time the mother has the right to change her mind about finalizing the adoption. As you can imagine, it was a stressful time for my mom and dad! However, on July 6, 1964, my adoption became final! I was officially their little girl.

As an adopted child I had a wonderful upbringing and was blessed with the best parents. At a young age I was told that I was adopted. I remember telling my mom which of my baby dolls I played with were mine and which ones I had adopted! Two years later, my parents adopted my brother and they had their family that they had always dreamed of! Even though I knew that my brother and I were adopted children, I always felt they were my parents and never had a desire to find my birth mother or father. Strangely enough, I physically resemble my adopted father and his relatives with his olive skin and Italian features and my brother resembles my mother and her family with their fair skin and blue eyes. I am also petite, have auburn hair, and light eyes like my adoptive mother.
Many of my friends are shocked when I tell them that I am adopted since we all “looked” and acted like blood relatives!

It wasn’t until I had children of my own that I decided to try to make contact with my birth mother. My girls were 15 and 16 years old and wanted to know who I looked liked or who their biological grandmother was since my mom had passed away in 1998 and they were not able to have a grandmother on my side of their family. After my mother’s death, my dad did tell me what he thought my birth mother’s last name was. He had remembered somehow seeing the “sealed” birth records (his brother worked in the County Clerk’s Office – small town!) and recalled a name. Up until this time, I was told that my birth mother was college age at the time of my birth and had moved out of state to go to college.

Most of my life I didn’t feel comfortable searching for my birth mother until my apdotpive mom passed away. She loved me so much and sacrificed so much to have me, I didn’t want to hurt her or make her feel I didn’t love her as my own mother. Also, I was always told that the records were sealed, and they still are to this day, unless I was to petition the court to have them unsealed. That was something I really didn’t feel like dealing with as I had moved to Southern California and lived 10 hours from the area.

So, I decided my first step was to put my information out on the Ancestry.com website. I had seen other adoptees do this and thought I would give it a try. I listed my date and place of birth. Miraculously a woman who the internet adoption community refers to as a “search angel,” saw my post stating that I was searching for my birth mother. She was able to locate my mother through my birth certificate and the time and place I was born. There were only four girls born that day and she matched the time of birth with my amended birth certificate( the one with my adoptive parents’ names and my adoptive name.) She also told me at this time to contact the Children’s Home Society to request a Non Identifying Information Request. I also completed a Consent for Contact and Waiver or Rights to Confidentiality for Siblings allowing my birth mother and any siblings my consent to find and make contact with me. From this report I would be able to find out some information about my birth parents and family, without actually stating their names or whereabouts. I took about five months to receive this report. In the meantime my “search angel” was able to find a copy of my original birth certificate with my birth mother’s name and my birth name. This was such an emotional time! I finally knew who she was!

It was a big decision for me to try and make contact. In April 2104, four months after my request, I received the Non Identifying Information Report.
It was such a blessing to get this information about my birth mom and dad and their families! It had physical descriptions, health information and job descriptions about my parents, grandparents and even how many aunts and uncles I have. I also found out at that time there were no matches of Consent for Contact and Waiver of Rights to Confidentiality for siblings in place in regards to my case. That just meant that my mom or any siblings I may have had not tried to contact me. I did find out from the report that I do have a half sister and wanted to grant her or any other siblings on my father’s side permission to contact me.

Once I received the Non Identifying Information Report, it really helped my daughters and I make connections about who I looked like and who they also resembled! There were also details that my birth father offered to marry my mother, but she did not feel ready to marry and that he did provide financial support during her pregnancy. That made me feel good that both of my parents cared for me so much. My mom stated that she wanted me to have the security of a family and felt she was unable to provide that at 19 and decided adoption was the best plan for her. I feel so thankful to my birth mother for this amazing and apparent sacrifice she made for me.

After much prayer and reflection on all of the “new” information that I had about my mother and my birth family, I made the decision to write her a letter. With the help of the “search angel,” I was able to find a current address for her. The main reason why I wanted to contact her was to let her know that I was okay after all of these years. As a mother myself, I couldn’t imagine not knowing about my daughter for so many years. I also sent a copy of my amended birth certificate and photos of myself and my two daughters, her granddaughters. I wanted her to know also that it was okay if she did not want to contact me. I just wanted to thank her for the gift of life and for loving me enough to give me up.

I waited to receive the return receipt from the letter and information I had sent. The strange part about this story is I never received the receipt! I contacted the post office where my birth mom is currently living, which is also in a small rural town only 20 miles away from where I grew up. They had no record of the letter not being received nor was it ever returned! To this day it is a mystery if she ever received it! I feel in my heart that she did receive the letter. I was glad that I made the effort to write it and tell her about the amazing and wonderful life I was given because of her sacrifice to give me up for adoption. I am not upset that I didn’t hear back from my birth mom. I really do respect her right to privacy and need to protect her heart from a very difficult time in her life. Sometimes facing the past is too painful for so many birth moms. I honestly can’t imagine how hard it was to give me up to another family.

A few months later I also found out from the “search angel” that she went to a high school near where she is currently living. I knew the years she would have attended because of her age when she gave birth to me and was able to have a friend visit that school library and find yearbook photos of my birth mom! Even though I did have my birth mother’s name, there were zero photos anywhere on the Internet! Believe me- I searched and searched!

I remember getting text messages from my friend and photos of my mom while I was teaching school one day! I can’t explain how fulfilling it is to see who you resemble and knowing where you came from! It was an emotional day! We really do look like each other!

In the end of this process and during all of my years of growing up, all I ever wanted was a photo of her. I finally had my wish come true and I felt so complete and happy to share this experience with my daughters.

Thank you for letting me share this story with you and I hope it can encourage you if you are considering adoption or if you are an adoptee too!
I loved my adoptive parents so much and feel so blessed to have been placed in such a loving home. They have both passed away now, but I am so thankful for the wonderful memories of being part of their family.

My Parents Wedding

My parents and I at my baptism